Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
