I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
