I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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