tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
