the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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