Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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