Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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