i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
