I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
