My underwear smells like fireworks.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
