Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
