I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
