in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
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I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
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Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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