i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
