the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
