he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Floor bacon is actually really good
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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