she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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