This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
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Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
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He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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