you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
