apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
