you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
