I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Randomize
