i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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