i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
