I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
