Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
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