the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
