Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
