WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Every concussion has its silver lining
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
