Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
