I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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