then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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