We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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