Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
