dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
