It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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