remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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