Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
