She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
