I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
