And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
