Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
