Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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