Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
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