Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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