Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You've changed since you got that strap on
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
