Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
