you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
