accomplished twins. life is a go
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
