i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
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