So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
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i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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