I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
