I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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