remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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