Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
